So Happy

There is a happiness filling my soul and as I move further into the holidays I am the happiest I have been in a long time. It is true that there is happiness in doing good for others and trusting in the Lord.

Next Tuesday I will accept an award with my Relay for Life team. Our team earned the most money for fighting cancer in this region. And even though I did not attend the Relay for Life event, my team still counted the efforts I put in through out the year. My team is still counting me as a part of it and have asked me to be at the awards ceremony. Local media will be there and we couldn't be more proud of our contribution to fight this deadly disease that affect so many.

I have shopped for toys and this time not for children in my life who have so much, but for children I don't even know who have so little. This toy shopping was for the Johnia Berry toy drive. This young girl who's parents have never forgotten her dream or her spirit and her wish for children at the holidays. I get to be a part of this too and the outpouring has been amazing.

I have loaded up three barrels of food for Second Harvest food bank and have watched as people brought in food for those less fortunate. Three barrels! Unbelievable spirit this holiday.

I still felt like I needed to do even more. I opted to sponsor a child from another country and send her letters of hope and gifts. She's 5 years old, my little girl and she lives in a home with her mother, her father, her brother and grandmother. She has so little and lives in a tough country, in an area where she has so little. Her mother sat down and wrote me a kind letter full of appreciation and love. It filled my heart.

Hearing about our American soldiers overseas, some with no families and support, I wanted to do so much for that as well. These American soldiers sent me a list of things they don't get, things they take for granted, and things that they'd ilke to have. I went shopping for them as well and loaded it all into a box with a smile and again happiness.

This holiday for me has been about giving back. In the past few months I have had so much taken from me. People have called me evil, horrible things and said awful things about me and in the end I have had to learn that it isn't what they think about me that matters. The Lord is my judge and He knows the truth in my life, He is the truth in my life. With so much ripped from me, I will gladly give to others so that they can feel love and in return I have found that happiness that I lost.

Happy holidays, friends.

Grateful for Life

Suffering abuse for years, the victim finally finds her voice and steps forward. She shares her story with someone she trusts, someone she loves, someone she thought would understand her more than anyone else. You see, that person was also a victim. Many times before she had tried. She had gone forward and told someone close to her about the nightmare she lived in and those times before, she had been called a liar or ignored. The abuser always saying that whomever she told would say just that. No one will listen. No one will believe you. No one will care. In the end, what makes abuse so powerful is that the abuser is telling the truth and you feel trapped and alone. No one will believe you.

So stepping forward she tried again. She opened her heart and mind and she spoke. In the end it was another battle. The person she thought would understand because of their own history had chosen a different path. In abuse there are choices to be made. You choose to either end the abuse cycle, be an abuser yourself, or continue to live as a victim. It appears as though the person she told chose the path of abuser. Initially the person listened, cared, comforted, but wouldn't/couldn't let the victim take control of herself which was the most important thing to her. The victim tried to take control of her own destiny, tried to find her own strength to step out and step up. The victim only wanted support, someone to care, not another person to control her.

The last person she opened up to called her a liar and said many other hurtful things. She never gave her a chance to prove herself. Instead accusing her of making things up for attention, creating her own bruises and attacking herself.

In the end, she did get away. She did free herself from the abuse and she vowed to never be like the people she'd saught help from before. She vowed to help others just like her, by listening and caring and comforting and by supporting, never controlling. She saught forgiveness from a higher power, and approval from only that one.

Out of the darkness stepped friends, real friends and people who reached out to her. People who never tried to control her and never pushed her to do more than she could handle. People who listened and cared and comforted. People came forward who offered light and positivity. People who were stable and safe. None of these people called her a liar, all shared in her spirituality, and love.

In looking you can see that the one, the abuser, has very few friends. Those that surround her lie to her and tell her what she wants to hear to get what they want from her. They all only want to be her only friend and deceptively control things in her life, leaving her to try to gain control of others. Never are these people her age in maturity or education and never are these people her equal. She is surrounded by those who would deceive her and have lied to her and yet she points the "liar" finger at others, unwilling to admit.

In looking at the lights, they are surrounded by love and many people who care about them, who'd never leave them in the dark. They are surrounded by people who are their equals and who they would stand up for or sit quietly for. These people are surrounded in a sea of love and warmth not lies and deceit. Soaking their sorrows in booze and pills and the approval of others. Their empty promises of never leaving or walking away for any reason and their empty words of love and wisdom. A wise person realizes when the lies are coming from themselves.

In the end there are those, the abusers, who despise life and what they've had to endure and then there are those who are grateful for life and all it has taught them. I still believe that everyone we meet in life has something to teach us. Some teach us what we want to be in life or simple lessons and others teach us where we don't want to go and who we never want to be. I want to be a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a neice, a cousin, a friend. I want people to see the light inside of me and feel the love I have to share. I want my friends to know that they are loved. I have friends who have been with me since I was a child and then I have friends who have only been my friend for a few months. In the end though I love them all the same. And yes, they have other friends than just me. Through the darkness some have stepped forward and accepted me as their daughter, stepped forward with pride and loved me for what I've been through and were I've been. I have had some amazing experiences after leaving the darkness out of my life.

For all of this and making it through, I am grateful and I am grateful for life, my life and my friends and my family.

And for those who wonder...I've never been one to go for blood. The original abuser is living his life and I am living mine. Life is peaceful finally. I reached out for therapy and was able to find myself and who I needed to be. Control is a powerful thing and should never be given to anyone else. Your life is your's to live, no one elses. Stand up, dust off, and move on in your way. A very wise person told me, "There is no wrong or right answer...only the answer that leaves you in peace."

The Bright Side

The ray penentrates the clouds
Grey and gloom over powered by the sharp spotlight
flowing down and enlightening
the beauty in the garden
the tall green stalk that appeared no more
now flowering in bright vivid color
the damp dewy tears from the heavens
now dried by the gentle fingertips of light
wiping away all sorrows from time before
revealing a path to be guided
Glitting down and perservering
mightly slicing through the other clouds
until eventually the darkness is gone
Everything engulfed in the bright side.